First, some context… I have not personally popped out any children myself. However, I absolutely love my partner’s two kids like they’re my own. They are amazing kids and I care a lot about the kind of home and habits they grow up with. I love my partner too (28F). She’s a good person, a loving mom and someone I see a future with. The problem is that we were raised on two completely different planets when it comes to household habits.
We’ve known each other for 4 years and have been dating for almost 2 years. We’ve talked about eventually moving in together and that’s where my brain starts doing the math… A big house. 4 people. 3 animals (all hers). And she eventually wants a horse... and honestly, it’s where my anxiety comes in at. I’ve told her before that I worry I’d become the primary person responsible for keeping the house running. I don’t mind helping. I actually like taking care of people and things. But there’s a difference between being a partner and accidentally becoming the household manager.
She has told me that her parents didn’t really teach her basic household things growing up. And honestly, I believe her. When we got together, she didn’t know how to do laundry, so I taught her… like separating the whites, different water temps matter and some clothes should be hung up so they don’t shrink.
These were things I grew up seeing as “normal” household habits but I’m realizing not everyone was taught the same things. She grew up in a home where washing sheets regularly wasn’t really a habit and I’ve noticed some of that has carried into adulthood. Sometimes I’ll just quietly wash the kids and her sheets because in my mind, humans deserve to grow up feeling cared for & clean sheets, clean clothes and a cared for home are part of that. The hard part is that there are things that seem totally normal to her that make me stop and pause…..
Some examples:
She has had a microwave for about 3 years and I don’t believe it had never been cleaned inside. The first time I cleaned it because I saw how dirty it was, a bug literally crawled out
I’ve had to remind her to wash her hands after using the restroom. She does it more consistently now which I appreciate
I’ve found toothbrushes on the floor that the kids later used again
Her or the kids have left the dustpan sitting on the stove/countertops
There have been times when the toilet has been left with poop still in it
I’m not expecting a spotless house where nobody can relax. I’m talking about hygiene habits and creating a healthy environment for us and the kids… & I don’t think she does any of this because she doesn’t care. I don’t think she’s lazy. I don’t think she’s a bad mom. I honestly think she just wasn’t taught some of these things growing up. I don’t mind teaching or supporting her because I love her but I also don’t want to move in together and slowly become responsible for keeping an entire household of 4 people and 3 animals running by myself. I don’t want her to feel ashamed or like I’m saying she isn’t good enough. I love her. I love those kids and I want us to build a home together that everyone feels good in.
So I’m curious:
For people who grew up without being taught cleaning and household skills, how did you learn them as adults?
And for people who have been the “cleaner/more organized” partner in a relationship, how did you talk about these things without making your partner feel attacked?
